A FULL HOUSEWIFE, A HELPMEET OR BOTH?

Feminist have come up with theories expressing the need for gender equality between a man and a woman. Although most of these theories have been countered several times, we can’t still rule out the fact that the position of a woman in the family, society and nation is a great one.

Permit me to say women are the salt of the world. They make life sweeter when they are added in the right proportion and when treated otherwise you can imagine what the result will be. Without their presence everything becomes sour.

The position of a woman in a home cannot be overemphasized, they run and manage the affairs of the home which include taking care of the husband, children, cooking meals, attending to guests and extended family members, buying items needed for everyday life and the list is endless. Although some husbands try as much as they can to help out in doing some of these things while some totally feel it’s the duty of a wife and they never help out.

The attitudes of some of these men prompt me to ask the following questions

1. A full housewife or a helpmeet?
2. Can a woman be a full housewife and still be a helpmeet?

Who is a full housewife?

A full housewife is a married woman whose sole responsibility is to be in charge of her household. She is a woman whose work is to run and manage her family. She attends to her husband, takes care of her children, cooks, cleans, buys items that the family needs for everyday life and involves in housekeeping.

Who is a Help Meet?

A helpmeet is a companion and a helper; a person who is always available to help or assist another. Even according to the Holy book, women were created to be HELP MEET. Genesis 2:18,” And the Lord said, it is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him (KJV)”

In the days of our forefathers, the sole responsibility of women was to manage and keep the home. They were not usually invited to make decisions in the family. Frankly speaking, women participating in decisions wouldn’t have been easy then as most of the men marry more than one wife. Their roles were strictly stated. But most of them support their husbands in their occupation which could be farming, hunting, trading, or crafting. In the process of supporting their husbands, they learned how to create jobs for themselves. In the process, many learned how to make food such as cassava flakes, locust beans, bean cakes, etc. The women were creative, they engage in the beautification of the body by using henna, plating of hair and likes and they were always prompt in coming up with solutions relating to home management. (These skills are what the modern women pay lots of money to learn). Though they were full housewives they were not idle. They added value to themselves and made a great difference in their home and community. Full housewives in the modern-day usually share income produced by members of the household who are employed.

The role a woman plays in the life of a man is far more than just being the man’s wife. The modern men out of care, respect, jealousy, or even wrong perception of seeing things do not allow their wives to perform their role as a helpmeet but as a full housewife. The woman is now limited to the things she can do, the moment she says “I do”. The man always find a way of convincing the woman to manage the house, he says “I want you to be in the house, take care of me and the kids, I don’t want you to go through any kind of stress or harassment whatsoever, just tell me all you need and before you say jack, it's already provided”. The woman out of love and respect agrees with her husband. Although not all women agree to become a full housewife at the beginning of their marriage what choice do they have when some kind of circumstance springs up?

Personally I feel any man who just allows a woman to sit in the house without doing any major thing to add value to herself is not a nice man. A woman shouldn’t just be given the sole responsibility of managing the home; she should be given an opportunity to express herself in other areas. It is the responsibility of both the husband and the wife. I hear of some men being called “woman wrapper” because they assist their wives in managing the home.

One thing I know is that a woman’s place is never only in the kitchen or in the bedroom. She also has a place in the financial and decision-making department of the home. As civilized as some men are today, they do not believe in women holding leadership or decision-making positions. This is wrong. Men should know that the position of a woman as a help meet cuts across different areas in her family and marriage. As a helpmeet, she must be financially buoyant. She must be intelligent, apt, bold, confident, morally sound, spiritual, emotionally, and psychologically sound.

Not engaging a woman in these areas could mean killing the woman in silence. She might not be able to complain but internally she’s dying. In a bid to express how she feels about her position as a full housewife, she might become aggressive, unhappy, and unproductive in handling some of the domestic activities.

As for me, I grew up in a home of all girls. I never went to a girl’s school but my home was more like one. We were trained and groomed to be more than just housewives. My mum would always query us when we don’t do well in school. She would also praise and encourage us when we come back home with the news that we have been assigned leadership positions in the school. She was always happy and proud of us. She also made us know the need and importance of a woman in a home not just as a housewife but as a helpmeet. She was a perfect example of who a helpmate really is. This made me realize that as a lady, you can get to the peak of your career as long as you are with the right man.

Let me share briefly the story of a woman, I’ll call her Mrs. A. She happens to be the wife of my uncle’s neighbour. They just moved into the apartment next to ours and it was part of our family culture to always welcome a new neighbour with a bottle of wine. We really could not tell if they were newlyweds but as of when they moved into the apartment, they had no kids. I went with my uncle to welcome the couple and when we entered their apartment I noticed Mrs. A to be an introvert. She smiled most of the time we spoke; I could sense she’s a quiet and reserved person. Her husband Mr. A seems like an extrovert to me, very hyper, and has a loud voice. For every word he spoke, Mrs. A kept smiling; she seems to me like a person who couldn’t spill all the words in her mouth at once.

After meeting the couple, we retired back into our own apartment. In my usual manner, I started analyzing the couple. I told my uncle what I felt about the man and his wife. “He must be a ‘jaye jaye man (a man who loves to hangout and enjoys himself always)” and his wife is so gentle”, I muttered. My uncle smiled and responded “Temi, they can’t both be the same”.

Fast forward, many months later, I noticed Mrs. A hardly hangs out, even after she had her baby, you would only see her when she’s going to church. She never spoke to any of the neighbours except when she’s responding to a greeting or when she is greeting you. It was at this point I realize that Mrs. A is a full housewife. She hardly steps out. All she does is cook, wash, eat and see movies. It’s as bad as when there is a short supply of water in the compound, her husband brings water home in big kegs. I felt she was suffering. At some points, we would occasionally hear Mr. A and Mrs. A arguing. We could even hear her crying at some point. I really pitied her.

A year and some months after, it became worse; Mrs. A’s voice could be heard in other flats. She would rain curses on her husband or anyone who tries to know what exactly is going on. The curses baffled me, the first time I heard them, I couldn’t believe my ears. I felt her husband must have really pushed her. Gradually she extended her anger to other neighbours. Everyone started avoiding her; some won’t even greet her when they see her sitting outside her flat. She sometimes won’t respond to greetings. She will never allow her child to play or interact with the other kids in the compound. She was quick at concluding. She laments at every opportunity. She was never happy. She has a girl who was brought to stay with her, she would yell at the girl and transfer all aggression burning in her to the girl. The poor girl would cry, scream and call for help but nobody will move an inch to avoid her numerous curses.

Her husband Mr. A got to know about her wife’s attitude towards the neighbours and their wives but he couldn’t do much to change the situation of things. Due to the nature of his job, he comes home very late. He was always the last to come into the compound and sometimes he stays out for more than a day or two before coming home. In one of his interactions with my uncle, he complained about not marrying right. His wife is a big issue to him. She’s always waking up on the wrong side of the bed.

After so much thought about the couple, I realize Mrs. A isn’t a happy woman. She was never like that. Something must have triggered her emotions and brought out that attitude. She’s always getting upset with other women at any slight contact. She often hisses when they pass by. She never saw herself as a great asset. The other women were working, she wasn’t, some had employers, others were into handiwork, they had skills but nobody could tell if Mrs. A ever acquired any form of skill but from some of her conversation to the girl staying with her, I realized she is a graduate. The other women had something doing aside their domestic activities, even on some occasions when we all gather together; their husbands sang praises of them. They dressed better than Mrs. A and they had better body carriage and disposition. Their relationship with others was “wow”. Mrs. A saw all these qualities and felt she lacked them. She gave up on herself, she got bitter and failed to work on herself to become a better woman.

I understand some women enjoy being full housewives but sincerely it is not realistic. In this era where all the bills are on the high side, men need the support and contributions of their wives; not just financially but in other areas to make things better for them. Dear women, no matter how rich your husband is, it is advisable you get a skill or a handiwork. Even while you are attending to domestic activities, you can engage yourself in other things.

Women who work as just full housewives end up having so many issues with their husbands and if any unfortunate incident happens they are always at the receiving end. In the course of seeking company while the husband is at work, some full housewives get bored and turn into gossipers in the neighbourhood.

On this note, I write our dear husbands and wife

 Dear Husbands,

            Since you have foreknowledge of your position as the head and breadwinner of the family and you are also aware of the loads of responsibility you carry. Please kindly engage your wives. The Bible says he that finds a wife, finds a good thing. Now every ‘good thing’ must be treasured. I know you don’t want your wives to go through so much stress or give you an excuse for not taking care of you, the kids, and even the home but please engage her. Set up a business for her, pay for her to learn a skill, buy books for her, encourage her to read, enroll her in professional courses/classes, give her a voice and a platform to express herself, that is the only time you can obtain favour from the Lord, that is the only time you can have peace and happiness in your home. Please give her a trial and I’m sure she won’t disappoint you.

Dear Wives,

            After much talking and pleading, your husbands have finally seen how lovely it is to get you busy not just with domestic activities but also with something that can add more value and worth to you; something that can make you function well as a helpmeet. Please, do not out of too much excitement make your husbands’ regret taking this action. Love them, respect them, pamper them, honour them, and do not mix work and family together, they are two separate things, create the right time for everything, fulfill your roles as an excellent wife, a wonderful mother and a perfect mate and most importantly, never forget to play the role of a help meet always.

The journey to adding more value to you won’t be so palatable because you will encounter some challenges but trust me it’s going to be worth it. Remember a help meet is one who loves, nurtures, a pacesetter, and a virtuous one. My mum applied for a degree when I was already in secondary school. During that period, I also have elder sisters in the tertiary institution and a younger one in secondary school too, yet she graduated with Second Class Upper Division and was among the 10 best graduating students of her set. She attained that against all odds.

Now tell me, which do you prefer “A Full Housewife, A HelpMeet or Both”.